Toeing the line

Thank God someone was paying attention. While Germany's football fans were looking forward to the planned October introduction of vanishing foam in the Bundesliga - so defenders and free kick takers would finally stop moving from their positions - one German organization wasn't allowing itself to be distracted.

The famous TÜV authority, responsible for technical inspections, has come out today and said that the free kick spray - which comes from Argentina - doesn't pass safety or regulatory standards. Moreover, they would call for it to be banned if it was used.

German newspaper, "Bild," organized for TÜV to inspect the product, which they apparently did for nine days straight.

According to TÜV, the spray contains parabens that may affect hormone levels. Additionally, it's missing the well-known flame symbol that we've all come to expect on highly-flammable products.

That means German referees using the spray would be breaking the law and could expect a fine, said TÜV.

Wow. Who would have thought that a spray used in just about every game in the World Cup in Brazil was such a dangerous product? Hormones! That's like a red rag to a bull for any professional sportsman.

What would happen if the foam accidentally got into an open wound and the player then had to go for a doping test after the game? That could endanger a whole career! One good thing about the hormone aspect, of course, is that the referee would have another option at his disposal to speed up timewasters. A few simple words of encouragement, like "C'mon take the kick, otherwise you'll grow breasts," would surely keep things moving.

Much too dangerous!

And then there's the issue of the missing flame symbol. Have you people in Argentina completely lost your minds? You have to put these sorts of labels on propellants, otherwise how are we meant to know that a spray can which holds chemical contents under pressure could be flammable? C'mon, you guys! The Argentinians: they don't know how to win a World Cup anymore, and they certainly don't know how to label spray cans.

But there's still one thing I don't understand: How will the stuff go up in flames in the middle of a game? No player runs around in a match with a cigarette in his mouth, at least not since Mario Basler ended his football career.

Occasionally, of course, when a fan is angry at a free kick being awarded they throw a cigarette lighter onto the pitch. If that happens at just the same time that the ref sprays out the foam, and the lighter hits the highly-polished surface of a player's boot, in turn rotating the small flint-wheel on the lighter so that a spark is created then ... BOOM! Or maybe just PFFFT! Either way, it could have tragic consequences. Who'd want to risk something like that? After all, there are women and children in the stadium.

Mine with cream, please

But what can you do? If TÜV doesn't want to have the special vanishing foam in the Bundesliga, then we need to find an alternative. Shaving cream maybe? But I can see problems there already: Mats Hummels has a lucrative contract with one cosmetics company that sells shaving cream, while Thomas Müller also pops up each night on German television, grooming himself with another brand.

There's going to be a conflict of interest here: Would Hummels have to ask his agent if he can take a free kick, if the foam that was used to mark the spot didn't comply with his sponsorship agreements? Would Müller maybe be forced by a court order to not take part in a game, because the wrong cream was being used? So many issues that would need to be cleared up. Not to mention all that cream.

It's probably best to just go for whipped cream out of the can. At the moment no Bundesliga stars have contracts with whipped cream manufacturers, it's not flammable and, it tastes good. That should work out, unless some hungry coach gets distracted mid-game and comes out onto the pitch for a snack, of course.